OK, so the other day presidential “hopeful” Joseph Lieberman had a press conference because he was concerned about a very pressing issue. As he put it, he was “concerned about video games that spoon-feed blatant sex [as opposed to sex hidden in digital shadows?] and graphic violence.” Very concerned for our children. Good for you Joe, but what’s your solution? Ban the games entirely? I certainly wouldn’t like it and let me tell you why.

First off. Why do you presume that it’s your responsibility to make the world of video games safe for children? This game is made for adults. Ask anyone that owns, has played, or has sold the game and see what they say. Even the people that make it know it’s for adults only. Are you going to come at me with some bullshit about games are “cartoon-ish” now? I hope not. That would make me go through a huge list of cartoons for adults, from all over the world. Don’t think for one moment that the “it’s a game so it’s for kids” argument will work here – just because your closed-mindedness might prevent you from enjoying frivolous entertainment it doesn’t mean that everyone is like you.

But why do you think it’s your responsibility to fix the “problem” if there was one, Joe? The games are clearly labeled – some places won’t carry them if their video games aren’t monitored. In most stores, the games are kept locked and need a clerk to open it – they won’t sell to minors, Joe! Besides, it’s the parents that are responsible for what a child sees, hears, and plays. Oh, God forbid I expect someone to take responsibility for their own family, I know, but guess what? They chose to have kids – I didn’t. They are tasked with the joy and pain of raising them – I’m not. Why should I have to have less things available to me because a parent or two aren’t responsible enough to keep an eye on their own children? Granted there are some parents that are only parents because they couldn’t figure out how to make a condom work properly, but that’s not my problem – and it’s not yours either Joe!

Ok, fine. Presume for a moment that the game is evil. Kids could somehow gather $50 together to get the game. Fine. They might see it. *gasp* Now what? Think they’re going to go out and beat up some hooker on the street to take her money back? Let’m – it’ll get the freak off the streets sooner because any mammal that can’t tell the difference between fantasy (or a game) from reality will only cause more damage as they get older. Here’s a better thought: why not get the hookers off the streets so there’s no temptation? Wow!

And what the hell are you doing talking to the nation about this during a time like this, Joe? We got budget issues up the ass, all over the nation. We got soldiers still fighting all over the world. We got the Middle-east exploding in certain parts of itself as terrorism there has escalated. And what are you press-conferencing about? A game. Hm. Priorities, Joe! You need to get some before you go much further into this campaign!

Finally, ignoring everything that you’ve read so far. Let’s look at one last detail: the last 13 years or so in the US. Need a review? Here’s what I remember being available to everyone via newspaper and/or TV.

• The Gulf War I and II – killing, Joe, and in Prime-Time… the more recent war in color!
• OJ gets away with the murder of two people, thanks to a silly jury – great government lesson that.
• After Rodney King’s beaters are let off [something I didn’t agree with, mind you] the citizens of South-Central LA burn their own city with signs that say “No Justice, No Peace” and then demand federal funds to help rebuild – Mob rules, Joe? That’s what this lesson brought us.
• Many pro-sports figures are picked up for soliciting sex, drug use, drug dealing, and other related crimes – I didn’t make these people role models, the media did, but I doubt they spent time playing these dangerous

  games. Lets move on to people that should be role models: our leaders in government…

• Ex-Mayor Barry is arrested – twice, no less – for drug related charges – I guess this taught kids that drugs are bad, but only if you get caught?
• Ex-Mayor Ganim is arrested for racketeering – did he play Grand Theft Auto as a kid, Joe?
• Ex-Mayor Giordano is arrested for soliciting sex with young pre-teens – he’s the lowest form of scum true, but guess what? He didn’t play GTA either.
• Ex-President Clinton is caught and nearly impeached for questionable business practices and campaign contributions. He also had extra-marital affairs

  some of which were in the Oral, um, Oval Office with interns and other miscellaneous women. Thankfully none of them were heads of state for other nations or one of his bastard children might have someday been Royal. And let me tell ya this: Clinton couldn’t figure out the intercom system at the White House, so there’s no way he could handle a PS2 game controller.

This is the real world Joe! This is what our precious children have seen over the last decade (at least) and it’s all been on the news. The news! No warnings – no ratings – no way to avoid it in some cases because the media is so pervasive. What has the real world dished out that GTA hasn’t? Nothing. In fact, I think the game is less immoral than reality these past years. Time to ban and censor the news Joe? Hah, good luck with that! You’ll have a better chance of getting guns out of NRA members’ hands!

No, Joe… there’s nothing for you to do with regards to this matter. Your best bet is to just leave it alone. There’s more pressing issues in the world than having to worry about face-less child getting neglected by his/her parents long enough to see “evil gaming”. Worry about keeping them off drugs – kids took them in the 70’s (and before then, too) when the only video game available was Pong. Worry about keeping them celibate until 18 or longer – if you play video games, odds are you aren’t getting laid before your late teens anyway because they will make you a nerd, negating your chances to get sex. Worry about keeping them in school – as a nation we are producing kids that would rather sue McDonald’s for hot coffee rather than a) work there for an honest wage or b) work harder in school so they don’t have to work there and can get a better job. There’s plenty to worry about in our nation without having to made a silly case over a colorful collection of zeros and ones.

Sadly Joe, after this little charade, you’ve certainly lost my vote. If you go after other silly causes, you’ll quickly lose my respect as well.

And if you come out to support the Oreo guy and ban Double-Stuff’s, I swear to God I’ll run against you myself, with a much simpler campaign just to keep you out of office! Of course, then I’d have to sue the US Government for age discrimination for not letting someone under the age of 35 hold the office of President, but it would be a worthwhile effort just the same – I’ll just run with someone good and “of age” as Veep, and s/he can take over.

I wonder what Guliani is doing this October… Hm.