I’ve lost my ability to lie convincingly! At least I think I have… if recent events prove anything, I’ve completely lost my god-given ability to lie, cheat, scam, and steal, and I’m pretty pissed off about it! How could such a tradgic event come to pass? Is there no love left for WOP’s anymore? I thought there was… I am doing so well in my NCAA bracket at work – during the first round anyway, because I historically end up last by the time the Big 8 are selected – that all of my co-worker have been accusing me of being mobbed up, just because I’m Italian. And now I realized that I might have lost my ability to lie! ARGH!

Over the past year, I seem to have cultivated a rather good relationship with Starbucks. I bought some of their stock a while ago and it’s one of the few stocks to be making money these days; I even read their annual report. I imbibe more of their coffee a day than I do any other brand – almost more than any other liquid actually, second only to Diet Coke, which I can buy at work. I run all over their menu, too – I have no specific favorite drink and keep the baristas guessing everyday. [Oh. Minor point. Italian word: Barista. Means someone that makes coffee, when applied to a Starbuck employee.] I know that certain people who work at the corporate HQ that read my site regularly, because the mermaid logo makes its way into a story or two each month – for a while, it was almost once a week, but things have quieted down lately. I also know that certain other people from the my most local store read the site and I’ve written about them before because the crew there is extremely friendly and make good coffee. Most recently. I’ve been camping myself out there to proofread my now complete manuscript – just ten more chapters to proof! – because it seems to be one of the few places left to me that allows me to scrub the manuscript instead of just reading it. It’s harder to proofread your own work than you think it is.

Since yesterday was April Fool’s Day, I decided to play a little joke on a couple of the baristas at my local store. See, over the years I seem to have aquired a couple of official Starbucks items, so I thought it would be funny to show up in the morning and tell them that I was ready to start training. I had picked up a green apron from a day trip to Boston about six or sever years ago – long time coffee drinker! – and I most recently picked up a polo shirt with the mermaid logo thanks to certain Siren that I know. So I put the shirt on in the morning and went to get my first latte of the day.

Swing and a miss! I left the store completely deflated because no one bought it. One barista knew it was April 1st and the other barista just didn’t buy it at all, regardless of the date. I asked who else was working that night, because I refused to beleive that I had lost my gift of scam so enlisted one of the barista’s help for my evening latte, and planned to return later that day. I took my latte and sulked for the rest of the morning.

Ironically, the barista uniform that I had put together had a second purpose by design. Let me take a step back. Over the last year, while I’ve run this site, I’ve pointedly made certain to keep my main job – the day job that pays my bills and keeps me funded for projects, like this one – out of any Rants that I’ve posted. This was because I didn’t want to piss off the people that I work for and out of respect for my workplace. I also figured that I would be giving away some pretty good material that I’ve been saving for my second book that I plan to write – not that anyone will ever believe that it isn’t fiction because it’s so bizarre. The time of my silence is almost over. It’s amazing what not getting paid for over a month will do to your job-based loyalties. Having said that, I thought it would be a great idea to wear the uniform to work – sans apron, of course – because if someone asked me about the shirt, I would simply tell them that I had to work a morning shift to cover my mortgage and hadn’t changed yet. No one even asked – the fucks! – so it was a worthwhile gesture even if no one picked up on it. Just another successful way of making myself invisible at work, I guess.

Anyway, I returned to Starbucks lastnight – got to proofread one of the longer chapters actually, so it was time well spent there – when the baristas were scheduled to have a staff meeting, so most of the nightly staff would be there. Just before their meeting, I went behind the counter, “ready to work” and again, no one bought it. The resident Evil Padiwan came close to believing it, but even she wouldn’t go for it completely which is wholly depressing.

This sucks bollocks! It’s gone! I used to be able to scam anyone into anything and now I’m left without any Italian tools of the trade. I went so far as to wear a “costume” and still couldn’t get people to believe me… it’s just… so sad. I even used to be able to tell my parents the bad things that my sister did and they wouldn’t believe me, because I was a known scammer. Yet when I made stuff up about her, and used the “sincere face” they did believe me, so I knew I had the skills… and now it seems to be gone. Maybe it was the stress of my job – or lack of a paying job – that now causes me appear more dishonest than not. It’s all so very sad.

What the baristas also didn’t believe – which they should, because it’s the truth! – is that I’m going to have to apply for a new job soon, if I continue to not get paid and I be happy to make coffee to the masses my area… only seems to be a matter of time.