It seems to me that one of the on going themes of this site are the Rants against stupidity. What exactly is stupidity? To me, it’s something that runs contrary to common sense. It’s one thing to break with traditional views or to “go against the grain” but I’m talking about obvious (sometimes even painfully so) stuff. For example, if you were to go into your boss’ office, declare that your job sucks ass and throw a monitor to the floor, while dancing in glee at the shower of sparks that you’ve created, this make you unique (and my hero!). However, when you later find yourself fired and possibly arrested, but you don’t know why, well that’s stupidity.

It’s simple physics – every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you pee on your boss’ leg, s/he will no longer be your boss. See how it works? Think of it as the sibling-in-the-backseat theorem – one hits the other, the other hits the first harder, and so on, until one of them throws the Trump Card of the Driving Mum and/or Pop, to call a cease fire.

I’m neither a Mum nor a Pop in this scenario. Consider me an innocent bystander. Ok, well innocent is too strong a word, but a bystander all the same. Like a bystander, I get to see more than any one person is usually viewing. Like a bystander, I can influence a scene, should I choose to, but I usually don’t. Lately I seem to be content to point out the stupidity that I see in the world, and believe it or not, it helps me get on with the mundane nature of my own life – I just keep wishing people would learn from their own mistakes, but I guess that would lessen the number of posts each week. Today’s Rant is that of the nature of relationships between men and women. Quite a saucy and bold topic, eh? Don’t get excited; it’s a very limited view and a narrow slice of the topic. What prompted this off-beat topic? Never you mind – all will be made clear in time.

While dating, the happiness of a couple depends on wants. There’s always differences between the genders on what a “want” could mean, but the difference is much less than it used to be. What I mean by that is that in years past, it was a safe assumption to make that men wanted a fling and women wanted a relationship – however, over the last couple of decades, this has become a gray area. Women may want just a fling every now and again; men have become more interested in relationships, albeit a smaller number than the amount of changed women. Sometimes a woman just wants a good lay – equal rights is a marvelous thing for the open minded. So it’s a question of wants. Do you want just someone to boink? Do you want a more serious and exclusive boinking relationship? Do you want to be serious, while boinking, with the intent of a long term relationship? Note the common theme above – boinking is the common in all cases, because this is what drives all types of non-platonic relationships. Of course in the first case it’s just sex; the latter case would be “making love”. A subtle distinction, but distinction that is required to be made. The problems that I see happen with most relationships are that the people in them either a) don’t agree with what their partner wants and b) they want one type of relationship, but their actions tell a different story, which will ultimately result in point “a” anyway.

Let’s take that first point – that the partners don’t agree – and dispel the common myth that “this thing will work itself out over time.” This won’t ever work. Why? If the man just wants a jolly rogering, and the woman wants something more serious, then it won’t work. If he gets pressured into the full-blown relationship, he won’t be happy and will eventually resent the woman and the relationship won’t last. If the woman decides to hang around and settle for just the physical aspects, she’s destined for issues and heartache. If he dates someone else, she’ll feel betrayed and rejected; even if he doesn’t date around, she’ll never her feelings for him returned, but her hopes continue. Eventually this will make the relationship bittersweet for her and she’ll eventually get pissed off and that’s the end of that. No, if the two people in the relationship aren’t in agreement with what they want from each other, they are doomed from the start.

The other point is at the same time easier to explain, but can be harder to see. This is the instance where a person wants one type of relationship but goes about it all wrong from the start. This I can only explain from a male point of view, mostly because I am male and because we’re easier to explain in this situation. Consider that for a woman to have sex she usually needs a mood, a nice scenery, a strong feeling for her partner, a certain amount of arousal, and probably a certain quantity of lace, silk, and/or leather. She needs a reason; men need a place. It’s that simple. Women, also historically speaking, are more inclined to expect the man to change in a relationship – and believe me, it’s foolish to expect anyone to change in a relationship “for you,” but most people haven’t and won’t learn this – and why not? They are typically the better gender, in my biased opinion – more developed and complex, as well as the one with the womb. Life starts with a woman, so it’s natural for them to see themselves as the center of the relationship – “the guy was a dufus before he met me – he didn’t even know who Steve Madden was! – so he should change for me!” is not an uncommon thought for women. This means that I’ll take this from a guy’s point of view, since I don’t see myself that way, but don’t think for an instant that I don’t see both sides (like I usually do) and that I know that Steve Madden is a designer specializing in shoes for women. Having said it before: given that sex is usually the driving force of most “dating” relationships, consider this the “thing” of most relationships. Call it a turning point, but in some cases it’s also the ending point, but in all cases it’s not a point to be ignored.

The most common and best example for the “want one thing, but [by my actions] get another” is the one where the couple has sex on the first date. There’s usually an obvious and strong physical attraction between two people for that first date to happen in the first place. If there’s not, or if the first date was a blind, then there’s usually not a second date. But for argument’s sake, we’ll presume that there is an attraction. This first date will set the tone for what follows. If you want to have an on-going relationship, it’s in your best interest not to sleep together. Old fashioned view? Maybe. Why, you ask? From a guy’s point of view, if he gets sex the first date, he will think a) I wonder who else got this lucky, this quickly and b) when can I do her again? Don’t agree? Then you aren’t male. What a guy does with these two questions are different for each one, but the questions happen all the same. Trust me: it’s the natural male instinct. In rare cases, the guy will want to date the woman still, and an on-going relationship does continue on, but it is rare for a relationship based on sex to survive and be healthy. And yes, if you sleep together on the first date, your relationship is based on sex. In most cases, the man in question will re-label this woman in his mind from “long term relationship” to “fuck friend”. And if this is what his partner wants, then it’s all good, but if it’s not, the whole thing turns into the first point we’ve already covered and you’re screwed – in more ways than one.

The thing that really spun this Rant into creation is that I’ve been witness to countless relationships where the above scenario has happened and even a few with the genders flipped – it’s not just one sided anymore. I’ve known men who get the business end of this type of situation, but the above scenario is more common. Woman decided to do the guy on the first date. Woman saw it as making love, the Man saw it as screwing. Note the clash, there? Next date – if there even is one as there’s no guarantee there will be! – the guy is thinking “Let’s get on with it” and the woman wants to, well, date. Almost too late now – the tone has been set. And now the woman is confused as to why the guy only wants her for sex! We’re creatures of habit – once a habit is formed, it usually continues “as is” and is hard to change. The Rant is about “why didn’t this person see this coming?” In the most recent instance that I’ve been witness to, the woman in question came into our local chat room to brag about her “happenings” to all the people in the room. “Met him in the morning and we hit it off – had sex later that day.” Of course this was followed up by a “don’t tell anyone because someone else likes me and I don’t want him to be upset!” which is laughable – once something is talked about in public, be it chat room or around a water cooler, it’s out there, and if sex is the topic it’s impossible to contain or control. I’m expecting the “things didn’t work out” to come within a day or two, but who knows? Maybe I’ll be surprised by the events to come – this is happening in real time, so I could be wrong… nah!

Everyone makes their own choices and actions – everyone needs to learn to take the responsibilities of their consequences and reactions. We seem to have forgotten how to do that these days, and maybe that’s what makes things so screwed up lately, but we’re ultimately responsible all the same. Maybe if people stepped up and remembered this, they’d make better choices in the days to come!